Faith

Faith. It comes from the Latin word Fides. It means trust, confidence, loyalty. On the outside, a very simple term. Because after all, you trust that the lights will come on when you flip the switch. You trust that the stove will work when you want to cook breakfast and that the floor in your kitchen won’t suddenly give way. Faith. We have faith in so many things. So, why not God? 

We had a conversation last night, my boyfriend and I. We talked about so many things, but one thing you said stuck out to me was I had mentioned that sometimes there’s some people you meet and you can just see the joy of the Lord on their countenance. You can see their faith. Your tart reply was, “well if they saw their childhood friend die of cancer and watch other friends die, then they probably wouldn’t. Who knows.” 

Indeed, my friend. Who knows. Are our problems and regrets a hindrance to faith? Do we count them and store them to pull out at our convenience, a battle scar for an excuse of why faith won’t work out?

You see, you’re not the only one. Not the only one who has had a hard life. And you won’t be the last. 

You know what it’s like. I know you do. To watch the people who were supposed to mean the most to you abuse that. The family that was supposed to support you becomes your nightmare.  

And then of course, you know, you get diagnosed with depression. You struggle with self harm and suicidal idealization everyday. You watch the world get broken, you run away from home, and the people you thought that loved you don’t turn out the way you wish. 

But I still have faith. 

After all I’ve seen, after all I’ve been through, I still believe. 

You see, I am jaded. But faith, true faith is so much stronger than the dark. It’s the belief that even after walking through hell, you still see heaven in life. It surpasses understanding, it’s a deep root that is planted in your soul every time you get back up when you’ve fallen down. 

Let it break you. Or don’t. It broke me, but I chose faith. I choose life has meaning. I choose that I am loved and made for a purpose. I choose that God comes first in everything. I choose that I am not a product of everything I've gone through. I choose that I am more than my regrets. I choose that I am forgiven. I choose that nothing, absolutely nothing, can shake my faith. I choose that even if I hold the knife to my wrist, I still believe. 

What happened to me was horrible. I’ve been through hell and will continue to journey through it. But I choose faith. 

Don’t believe me? 

There are people I know who have gone through imaginable things that still believe. People who were in concentration camps and came out as believers. People who have watched their family get murdered before their eyes, and pray to God for forgiveness for the murderers. Because so often, the people who have the strongest faith have gone through the toughest battles. You don’t know how much courage you have until you’re at the battle front. You don’t know if you're scared of heights until you’re staring off the cliff. Faith is more than blind belief, it’s a life. It’s all fun and games to say ‘I believe’ until something earth shattering happens. That’s what separates those who have true faith and those who only claim it. Those who believe, you see, they refused to let their lives be defined by what they had gone through. Call it foolish, call it dumb. Call it faith. I choose faith? Do you?