Life to the End

TW: This is a copy and an expanded version of one of my suicide letters. I am not suicidal right now or in any way planning to harm myself. Thanks!

To all who may read this: 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to see me like this. I’m sorry you have to hear from me like this. I’m sorry that you have to read this. I know it will cause you pain. I know I’m selfish for taking away my pain and leaving you to yours. But sometimes you know, you got to look out for you. Because if you can’t take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

I want you to know I never really wanted to die. Never really wanted to leave you all behind. But dying became easier than living. Like giving up in a marathon. I slowed down from my run to a walk and then to a crawl, but I just couldn’t seem to make it. The pain wouldn’t get any easier. Don’t think suicidal people choose death. No, they choose life. Everytime. Just not this one. Just a better one. Just a restful one. Just a peaceful one. 

You will ask why? Wonder about it in the coming months. Maybe you’ll come to terms with it. Maybe you won’t. Maybe it’ll haunt you for the rest of your life. 

There’s never a really concise answer to that question. Was life worth living? Oh God, yes it was. It was beautiful. Brighter than the sun, prettier than the ocean at sunset. You see, death is the great philosopher. It makes us stop and reconsider our lives and our actions. It gives meaning to life. But maybe the why wasn’t a why, but a because. Because if you get too close to the sun, it burns and if you go too far into the ocean, you’ll drown.

Those who choose suicide are dreamers, lovers, hopers. We love life so much, we want to see the end.

I had a good life. I remember so many good things. Friends, family, fun times, memories snapped together and stored in a wooden box. They were more than enough. So much more. 

I’m sorry. Remember me for the better. Don’t cry. This is what I wanted. What I had to do. I hope you find the peace that I never did. The life I never got too, 

Life to the end,

Sienna