The Road Sign

I sometimes wish life had road signs. Kind of like the highway does. Speed limit is 60. This exit is here. Stop here. And so on. But most of the time, we’re left to figure it out ourselves. 

I talk about my boyfriend sometimes. Not a lot. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. But I want to share something with you. If you recall, I once called him my fiance. But not now. I have called off the engagement. We’re still girlfriend boyfriend just not engaged anymore. 

You might be asking why? You might be wondering what type of beef got between us that we called it off. 

After all, isn’t that embarrassing? 

The truth is. It isn’t. We weren’t ready. People say to take it slow. And I firmly believe that we should have. We were young. We were broken. We were fools. Because we couldn’t love ourselves, we couldn’t’ love each other. And there’s no shame in admitting that. There’s no shame in waiting, there’s no shame in realizing a mistake and fixing it. 

Time is the great healer. I believe that. 

I know that the boy I write about now is potentially hurt and shocked by everything. I tell him this:

When I first met you, I was a traumatized girl struggling with depression. God only knows how I lived through those first initial months when I met you. If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have made it. So much has changed. For better and for worse. I changed. I ran away from my old life and started over. I had to find me. Because I never knew me. The girl you met that Sunday, it wasn’t really me. Not the true me. I’m still trying to find her. I know you are too. 

The truth is, I was desperate. A drowning person will grab anything to keep himself afloat and I grabbed you. In an act to save my life, I chose to love you. And now that I’m free, I have to learn to love you again. Learn how the true me can fall in love with a stranger boy. You will have to learn too. I’m not the same. Neither are you. But I know one thing: she’s sorry. She’s sorry she used you to keep herself alive. Give her time. Maybe she’ll find love.